Hmm... what to put... I WENT ON A DATE!!!
OMG it was awesome. He made me break my diet, which once in a while i can see that being fine. Just can't make a habit of it! Afterwards we went to Cabela's and he taught me a bit about guns and ammo, although i'm not much of a gun person i tried to learn as much as i could. Then we drove around a bit until we found a forest preserve to park in, went on a walk and started making out. Probably 20 minutes passed as the sun dipped below the trees and the sky darkened, the cops came by catching us in the act of making out. *giggles*
The heat died down a bit so we went back to the mall and walked around the parking lot a bit before we had to depart. Nothing fancy but I enjoyed myself!
Had a nice discussion earlier with a friend, just making sure this is the right choice for me, which with 100% of my confidence is. Don't get me wrong, i'm always thinking about it but always my conclusion is that this is what will make me happy.
It's late, and I have to work tomorrow, signing off for now.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday
Soreness is starting to dwindle a bit. Kinda glad i had this day off to recouperate. I could actually go up AND down stairs without looking like an old woman!
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday
Wow, has it already been almost a week since the last time I wrote? I need to stay focused and on track!
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday
Do things happen for a reason?
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday
This morning i had an interesting dream. The dream was about trying to catch a plane to hawaii and how confusing the airport was which i ended up not making the plane. But in the dream, i was able to reschedule for another flight through the maze-like airport and was able to make it to hawaii. For some reason, my family and I got into a hotel room that was 3 stories tall before we found out it was the wrong room and then we were in a room the size of a tent, lol. Such bizarre dreams i'm having.
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday
Had a strange dream. It's the first time i've had a reoccuring dream. My dream is that i never get to the appropriate high school class ontime, and i seem to go to the wrong classroom first. Each time i've had the dream (this is the 2nd or 3rd time) it is always a different class i enter first before trying to find the appropriate class room. It's bizzare but it just makes me get all stressed out until i wake up.
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Weekend
Weekend turned out to be much more interesting than I could have predicted. I started doing my good deed for the month by helping out some friends paint their new home interior. My summer job for 3 years was painting walls at my old high school, I couldn't believe I actually missed painting (or maybe it was the paint fumes...)
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday
Interesting day today. I had to troubleshoot PA system issues which turned out to be a 4 hour issue. I hate the PA system at work, going over old wiring and having 20 different amplifiers which can fail at any given time... blah. It really made me irritable as we are paying a tech by the hour and he wanted to redo a bunch of wiring and i just wanted the fucking thing to work!
So that made me pretty stressed when i had my psychiatrist appointment. I still have anxiety issues whenever i talk to my mom because she still thinks there is a chance i won't go through with it. Sorry mom, but i need to be happy too and I've waited long enough. Because of this, my anti-depressant dosage was increased again. I must be pretty fucked up to go to the max dosage *sighs* but i hope all will work out in the end.
After psychiatrist appointment, i called my physician on how my referral process is going and they submitted the request yesterday. 3-5 days i should know if i got it so can can go to a qualified center... I'm so excited!
My hormones also arrived right on time today... *PHEW* i almost missed my Friday routine.
Let's see, i also painted my toenails a metallic purple and looks lovely on me ^^. I just need to improve my technique as a few of my toes aren't done very well *pouts*. Oh well, always next time!
Speaking of techniques, i have begun my practicing for my female voice. The only place I'm getting to, is how much more practice i need! I WILL sound like a normal girl!
One last thing, my epiliator machine came in this past week and used it for the first time today. that machine is EVIL! I used it on my left arm 2 hours ago and my arm is STILL red! If you don't know what it does, it literally pulls the hairs out as you move the machine along your skin. I hope it is worth it as I shouldn't have to worry about them growing back for a month.
So that made me pretty stressed when i had my psychiatrist appointment. I still have anxiety issues whenever i talk to my mom because she still thinks there is a chance i won't go through with it. Sorry mom, but i need to be happy too and I've waited long enough. Because of this, my anti-depressant dosage was increased again. I must be pretty fucked up to go to the max dosage *sighs* but i hope all will work out in the end.
After psychiatrist appointment, i called my physician on how my referral process is going and they submitted the request yesterday. 3-5 days i should know if i got it so can can go to a qualified center... I'm so excited!
My hormones also arrived right on time today... *PHEW* i almost missed my Friday routine.
Let's see, i also painted my toenails a metallic purple and looks lovely on me ^^. I just need to improve my technique as a few of my toes aren't done very well *pouts*. Oh well, always next time!
Speaking of techniques, i have begun my practicing for my female voice. The only place I'm getting to, is how much more practice i need! I WILL sound like a normal girl!
One last thing, my epiliator machine came in this past week and used it for the first time today. that machine is EVIL! I used it on my left arm 2 hours ago and my arm is STILL red! If you don't know what it does, it literally pulls the hairs out as you move the machine along your skin. I hope it is worth it as I shouldn't have to worry about them growing back for a month.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Thursday
The one thing you don't know when you have a dilemma in your life, is how strong your friendships are with people you befriended before you come out. Case and point was last night I sent people i felt comfortable with, links to my blog. A friend of mine I've known for 10 years now has taken his own time to research what I am going through. He knows of the issues i face both with friends, family and with work and sent me a link this morning to a video of another TS who has transitioned but her family still does not accept her.
Friendship can be something as simple as someone who doesn't understand what you are going through, but takes their own time to try to research and understand to help any way possible. I have to be grateful for having befriended someone like him as I was not expecting little things like that.
I had a dream last night, and after starting hormones my dreams have gotten more vivid, and i haven't dreamt as much as i have the last month in my entire life and it feels really awesome even though I've already had a nightmare, while the others have just been strange. The dream i had last night wasn't me as a girl, but it was me transitioning, the way i am now. For some reason I parked my car, went to a restaurant to eat, came back out with friends & family and my car was missing. We walked along the bank of a stream that was next to the building and my car was submerged in the stream just below the foot rests. I was able to safely start my car, and drive it out of the stream to my parents place as i am now. It almost felt like i thought of myself as Sonia but i can't be certain.
I think i understood what happened to me yesterday. I am starting to develop mood swings, which is something i haven't experienced before nor do i know how to control them yet. An example is this morning i was sad for no reason. After watching the video my friend sent me, i cried again... not from the material in the movie (but i was glad i did see it) but because of how much my friend must care for me. It wasn't a long cry, but 5 minutes or so and it actually felt really good just to let it out.
Tomorrow may be a big day. Hopefully my hormones arrive, I have my psychiatrist appointment and my PCP should get back to me on how my referral to a more specialized clinic is going.
Friendship can be something as simple as someone who doesn't understand what you are going through, but takes their own time to try to research and understand to help any way possible. I have to be grateful for having befriended someone like him as I was not expecting little things like that.
I had a dream last night, and after starting hormones my dreams have gotten more vivid, and i haven't dreamt as much as i have the last month in my entire life and it feels really awesome even though I've already had a nightmare, while the others have just been strange. The dream i had last night wasn't me as a girl, but it was me transitioning, the way i am now. For some reason I parked my car, went to a restaurant to eat, came back out with friends & family and my car was missing. We walked along the bank of a stream that was next to the building and my car was submerged in the stream just below the foot rests. I was able to safely start my car, and drive it out of the stream to my parents place as i am now. It almost felt like i thought of myself as Sonia but i can't be certain.
I think i understood what happened to me yesterday. I am starting to develop mood swings, which is something i haven't experienced before nor do i know how to control them yet. An example is this morning i was sad for no reason. After watching the video my friend sent me, i cried again... not from the material in the movie (but i was glad i did see it) but because of how much my friend must care for me. It wasn't a long cry, but 5 minutes or so and it actually felt really good just to let it out.
Tomorrow may be a big day. Hopefully my hormones arrive, I have my psychiatrist appointment and my PCP should get back to me on how my referral to a more specialized clinic is going.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
7/14
This morning i felt great. got up, did my elliptical for 400 calories got ready for work. the day went decent at work, but sometime in the afternoon i just became all depressed. Just completely down and not really wanting to do much. It is something i notice i struggle with since starting the FDA approved t-blocker - Spiro (whereas before i was taking androcur as my t-blocker). I think it was triggered when i saw how much electrolysis costs and my dark facial hair clashes with my light skinned face knowing I'll have to go through the process. i worry if i have enough money reserved to go through with the entire process. I guess i won't know until i see what insurance will cover and what it won't.
A TS friend of mine finally got her boobs on Friday. She is in pain but is so happy. I want to be happy like her... i just struggle right now staying positive as I don't really have someone nearby i can talk to that is close to my age. I know it takes time, but yet my thoughts still do the "what if" game. What if my family wasn't religious, would i have found out sooner? What if i turn out to be a masculine woman, how much will facial surgery cost? What if I'm working out too much for my body to put fat where it needs to go? What if my parents were more accepting of my decision would i feel this depressed?
I am told it is not good to think this way but the thoughts are there no matter how hard you try to not linger on them.
I will have a busy weekend though safely in my own bedroom. My epilator came in today which will test my pain tolerance. I have been told it is pretty high but i still have my doubts. I also need to paint my toenails as i gave them a week off of having anything on them. I am thinking of finding a nice metallic red, something slightly dark since my skin is rather pale.
A TS friend of mine finally got her boobs on Friday. She is in pain but is so happy. I want to be happy like her... i just struggle right now staying positive as I don't really have someone nearby i can talk to that is close to my age. I know it takes time, but yet my thoughts still do the "what if" game. What if my family wasn't religious, would i have found out sooner? What if i turn out to be a masculine woman, how much will facial surgery cost? What if I'm working out too much for my body to put fat where it needs to go? What if my parents were more accepting of my decision would i feel this depressed?
I am told it is not good to think this way but the thoughts are there no matter how hard you try to not linger on them.
I will have a busy weekend though safely in my own bedroom. My epilator came in today which will test my pain tolerance. I have been told it is pretty high but i still have my doubts. I also need to paint my toenails as i gave them a week off of having anything on them. I am thinking of finding a nice metallic red, something slightly dark since my skin is rather pale.
First entry
I guess I started trying to post my thoughts but it is very difficult for me to write how I feel. I started a blog a few months ago and didn't keep up with it, when I did not decide a name for myself. You can read it at tgnoname.blogspot.com.
A lot has happened since then yet it doesn't feel like a lot. I don't feel comfortable with myself yet even though I’ve noticed a few changes with myself. I feel better than I ever have in the past but I still have a long ways to go before I can truly feel like myself.
Since this is a journal, everything I write will not be proofread, just spell checked as to not interfere with my thoughts.
I am MtF transgender. A lot of people say it happens when they are young... they just know they are girls. Growing up, I often prayed at night that I would awake as a girl or as a female animal... usually cheetahs as I like how fast and graceful they are. I either had female friends or no friends as I grew up because I found it difficult to associate with other guys. I always remember when girls used to ask me out, why they want to do so when I just wanted to be their friends. Of course, the male thing to do was to accept, but I wasn't comfortable in that role. As I went to college the confusion continued, and I tried being male... tried my hardest actually but I couldn't deny my femininity. It was like, the harder I tried at being male, the stronger desire I had to dress pretty. I even went so far as to throw away all my female items and banish it from my mind which just caused more issues as I tried to appease my family by trying to stay religious even though I never believed any of the stories in the bible.
I cried a lot, and when I was able to move out from my family I started dressing pretty again but not as much as I wanted. I was confused not knowing what I was. As time went on, I talked to other people, some crossdressers, some transvestites and some transsexuals and the transsexuals seemed to understand me more than the other groups. That made me cry even more as I thought so much on that, what path would this lead to, what challenges lay ahead and what would it do to my family that I love so much.
This was 5 years ago, and I dismissed it again. this lead to a slow decline in my happiness. I didn't see it coming but until about a 2 years ago, I was starting to think how I wasted so much time in my life not being happy. Why was I not happy? I had a career, friends, family, I was out living but I had no partner. Was that the reason I was unhappy or was it more... did I not have a partner because I was never happy with myself? Questions upon questions and I didn't have an answer... well I did, but I didn't want to admit it even though it stayed in my thoughts. I made myself be happy when I was supposed to be happy, sad when I was supposed to be sad... etc but it didn't feel real.
My thoughts about a year ago started turning even worse. I rationalized that if I took my own life, it would be easier than having my parents deal with all the issues that will arise with my extended family if I transitioned to being a woman. I knew I was ready to change, but I've never told a soul face to face... just random online strangers and I knew it was going to shock a lot of people. "Perhaps it would just be easier to die than to transition" was the thought I had to make it easier on everyone else.
Eventually, I decided to see if I was truly meant to be a woman, so I went and purchased hormones back in November 2009. I took them orally for 2 months and the emotional change was beautiful... I felt like the world made sense. I could interpret conversations better and could verbalize how I was feeling to others easily, something I had always struggled with. Before I was on those hormones, I always cared about others instead of myself... as in that was the first thing that was always there when I interacted with someone. Now, I could think about what was best for me first and then everyone else second.
I was happy, scared and tried to be confused but knowing what this meant. That’s when the suicide thoughts came a little more frequently and I decided to seek out a therapist in January 2010. We got to a point in May where the help I needed had to be someone more specialized than her. This was at the lowest point in my life.
A week or two before this, I came out to my parents that I am transgendered and I need to live my life as a woman. (I don't necessarily classify myself yet as a transsexual as I’m not integrated into society as a female yet.) I believe I posted in my previous blog (link at the top of the post) that I started drinking heavily. I was drinking 5-7 drinks a night to rid myself of the problems. This is when I knew I had to take things into my own hands until I could get the specialized care I needed before I took my own life. So I started back up on real hormones (the others were herbal) which I have now been steadily taking for 4 weeks now.
This is my story.
A lot has happened since then yet it doesn't feel like a lot. I don't feel comfortable with myself yet even though I’ve noticed a few changes with myself. I feel better than I ever have in the past but I still have a long ways to go before I can truly feel like myself.
Since this is a journal, everything I write will not be proofread, just spell checked as to not interfere with my thoughts.
I am MtF transgender. A lot of people say it happens when they are young... they just know they are girls. Growing up, I often prayed at night that I would awake as a girl or as a female animal... usually cheetahs as I like how fast and graceful they are. I either had female friends or no friends as I grew up because I found it difficult to associate with other guys. I always remember when girls used to ask me out, why they want to do so when I just wanted to be their friends. Of course, the male thing to do was to accept, but I wasn't comfortable in that role. As I went to college the confusion continued, and I tried being male... tried my hardest actually but I couldn't deny my femininity. It was like, the harder I tried at being male, the stronger desire I had to dress pretty. I even went so far as to throw away all my female items and banish it from my mind which just caused more issues as I tried to appease my family by trying to stay religious even though I never believed any of the stories in the bible.
I cried a lot, and when I was able to move out from my family I started dressing pretty again but not as much as I wanted. I was confused not knowing what I was. As time went on, I talked to other people, some crossdressers, some transvestites and some transsexuals and the transsexuals seemed to understand me more than the other groups. That made me cry even more as I thought so much on that, what path would this lead to, what challenges lay ahead and what would it do to my family that I love so much.
This was 5 years ago, and I dismissed it again. this lead to a slow decline in my happiness. I didn't see it coming but until about a 2 years ago, I was starting to think how I wasted so much time in my life not being happy. Why was I not happy? I had a career, friends, family, I was out living but I had no partner. Was that the reason I was unhappy or was it more... did I not have a partner because I was never happy with myself? Questions upon questions and I didn't have an answer... well I did, but I didn't want to admit it even though it stayed in my thoughts. I made myself be happy when I was supposed to be happy, sad when I was supposed to be sad... etc but it didn't feel real.
My thoughts about a year ago started turning even worse. I rationalized that if I took my own life, it would be easier than having my parents deal with all the issues that will arise with my extended family if I transitioned to being a woman. I knew I was ready to change, but I've never told a soul face to face... just random online strangers and I knew it was going to shock a lot of people. "Perhaps it would just be easier to die than to transition" was the thought I had to make it easier on everyone else.
Eventually, I decided to see if I was truly meant to be a woman, so I went and purchased hormones back in November 2009. I took them orally for 2 months and the emotional change was beautiful... I felt like the world made sense. I could interpret conversations better and could verbalize how I was feeling to others easily, something I had always struggled with. Before I was on those hormones, I always cared about others instead of myself... as in that was the first thing that was always there when I interacted with someone. Now, I could think about what was best for me first and then everyone else second.
I was happy, scared and tried to be confused but knowing what this meant. That’s when the suicide thoughts came a little more frequently and I decided to seek out a therapist in January 2010. We got to a point in May where the help I needed had to be someone more specialized than her. This was at the lowest point in my life.
A week or two before this, I came out to my parents that I am transgendered and I need to live my life as a woman. (I don't necessarily classify myself yet as a transsexual as I’m not integrated into society as a female yet.) I believe I posted in my previous blog (link at the top of the post) that I started drinking heavily. I was drinking 5-7 drinks a night to rid myself of the problems. This is when I knew I had to take things into my own hands until I could get the specialized care I needed before I took my own life. So I started back up on real hormones (the others were herbal) which I have now been steadily taking for 4 weeks now.
This is my story.
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