Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Update
Haven't updated in a while (shame on me). Last Friday (17th) i finally saw a medical doctor who has experience with transgendered people. It was so comforting to finally find someone who has experience with my condition. Funny part is that he thought i was taking too much estrogen and now he told me we needed to double the amount per week. So instead of 10mg i'm taking 20mg per week. Insurance covered everything necessary except the estrogen, which 10 weeks worth came out to be $250 because they didn't have the generic version, ouch. My credit card bill is going to be rediculous this month *sighs*.
Most of my facial hair has fallen out! YAY!! I have a few ugly patches that need to be zapped that were missed. I hope when I go to Hawaii, they will all be gone, until the other hairs grow in.
I have a few more things i need to say, but i'll update later.
Most of my facial hair has fallen out! YAY!! I have a few ugly patches that need to be zapped that were missed. I hope when I go to Hawaii, they will all be gone, until the other hairs grow in.
I have a few more things i need to say, but i'll update later.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Family
I don't know what to think about them right now. I guess I have to live my life and they have to live theirs. I know I am doing the right thing, but each member is having difficulties accepting it.
The interesting thing, is that I am very good at evaluating people, or at least understanding their strengths and weaknesses. I am not good at understanding their values so it has been interesting at the different reactions from people I have told.
I hope with all my being that my close family is not ashamed of me. This path is not a want nor a desire. This is me.
The interesting thing, is that I am very good at evaluating people, or at least understanding their strengths and weaknesses. I am not good at understanding their values so it has been interesting at the different reactions from people I have told.
I hope with all my being that my close family is not ashamed of me. This path is not a want nor a desire. This is me.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Desperation
I have fallen into desperation mode to get what i need in my life. I have done all i can through my insurance and it has gotten me more and more roadblocks. The only positive part is that i can use all of these doctors as references for the insurance company.
Since i was desperate, I will be going outside my insurance and i will be paying a doctor in chicago to get the meds i need. I do not know what he is like, but his name was given to me "through the grapevine."
I hope this does not haunt me in the future.
Since i was desperate, I will be going outside my insurance and i will be paying a doctor in chicago to get the meds i need. I do not know what he is like, but his name was given to me "through the grapevine."
I hope this does not haunt me in the future.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Laser Hair Removal
I'm going to start labelling my blogs based upon things i want to discuss since it is silly do post days as the title.
So today I just got back from my first laser hair removal appointment. OMG, does it hurt, but at least its done and over for the first treatment. My face is all red and puffy, but in a couple hours it shouldn't sting anymore. I have to go back Tuesday to get the spots that were missed. She even thinks i may need only 2 to 3 treatments... wouldn't that be nice! That would only be $1.2K total for laser plus whatever pesky hairs remain to be electrolisized.
I am going to have lunch soon with an old neighbor. She wants to talk about me so we will see how it goes!
So today I just got back from my first laser hair removal appointment. OMG, does it hurt, but at least its done and over for the first treatment. My face is all red and puffy, but in a couple hours it shouldn't sting anymore. I have to go back Tuesday to get the spots that were missed. She even thinks i may need only 2 to 3 treatments... wouldn't that be nice! That would only be $1.2K total for laser plus whatever pesky hairs remain to be electrolisized.
I am going to have lunch soon with an old neighbor. She wants to talk about me so we will see how it goes!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday
Well, hmm. My fucking grill was stolen today. pisses me off because i had to get dinner instead of making food i already had here. If only the person knew who they were stealing from... don't mess with us girls!
Lots of thoughts are going on in my head lately. My parents bought the same book i did, and i just finished writing to them about what places talk about my own experiences. It will be interesting to see what thety will write back. I just hope they understand a bit more, what i was thinking as i grew up. I just hope that the way i did it, was the best way i could have told them. You try to not play the "what if" game, but nonetheless it is still there in the back of your mind. You can only do the best you can, and focus on the choices you already made.
I have noticed that my outlook on life is slowly switching. I feel like i am starting to become more positive on things. Is that because I am accepting who i am and slowly becoming me? Is it because my parents are learning more about me? Does my new diet help me focus better?
My body is starting to change as well. the fat on my forearms is starting to build up. My veins do not stick out as much. my breasts are also starting to grow. no bra is necessary yet but another 1/2" i'll need to do something so no one at work will tell. I don't care if anyone notices on weekends or when i'm not at work. Strange isn't it? All my life i was focused on just fitting into the surroundings around me that now i don't care if people notice the real me coming out.
Lots of thoughts are going on in my head lately. My parents bought the same book i did, and i just finished writing to them about what places talk about my own experiences. It will be interesting to see what thety will write back. I just hope they understand a bit more, what i was thinking as i grew up. I just hope that the way i did it, was the best way i could have told them. You try to not play the "what if" game, but nonetheless it is still there in the back of your mind. You can only do the best you can, and focus on the choices you already made.
I have noticed that my outlook on life is slowly switching. I feel like i am starting to become more positive on things. Is that because I am accepting who i am and slowly becoming me? Is it because my parents are learning more about me? Does my new diet help me focus better?
My body is starting to change as well. the fat on my forearms is starting to build up. My veins do not stick out as much. my breasts are also starting to grow. no bra is necessary yet but another 1/2" i'll need to do something so no one at work will tell. I don't care if anyone notices on weekends or when i'm not at work. Strange isn't it? All my life i was focused on just fitting into the surroundings around me that now i don't care if people notice the real me coming out.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Weekend
I need to get back to writing every day because i forget so much of what goes through my mind during the week. Writing a journal is easy as remember events is not so hard but deep thoughts takes more concentration. Mental note: WRITE EVERY DAY!!
ok. so thursday i don't remember much.
Friday - I broke down finally and bought starcraft 2 and needed a new headset so write after paying off my credit card, bam, $110 down the drain... grrr. On top of that, the game kept making my computer spaz out, so i tried for 3 or 4 hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I got it fixed, the next day so beware! Sonia is going to start her domination over all those nerdy pimple faced kids! (yes, i can use this stereotype because i was one :P)
So saturday, i took some time with my hair, straightened it and tried to style it that was "emo" ish i guess. It didn't turn out that bad though, i was pretty happy with myself. Something i read was put some hairspray on your comb and comb your hair with it. Not only will it help stay in place, but it adds a little shine to your hair.
I also had my first time cuddling and having someone else sleep in my bed for romantic reasons. It felt sooo right to have someone hold you, and be with you. The world never made sense much before, but now pieces are slowly fitting into the puzzle of life!
ok. so thursday i don't remember much.
Friday - I broke down finally and bought starcraft 2 and needed a new headset so write after paying off my credit card, bam, $110 down the drain... grrr. On top of that, the game kept making my computer spaz out, so i tried for 3 or 4 hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I got it fixed, the next day so beware! Sonia is going to start her domination over all those nerdy pimple faced kids! (yes, i can use this stereotype because i was one :P)
So saturday, i took some time with my hair, straightened it and tried to style it that was "emo" ish i guess. It didn't turn out that bad though, i was pretty happy with myself. Something i read was put some hairspray on your comb and comb your hair with it. Not only will it help stay in place, but it adds a little shine to your hair.
I also had my first time cuddling and having someone else sleep in my bed for romantic reasons. It felt sooo right to have someone hold you, and be with you. The world never made sense much before, but now pieces are slowly fitting into the puzzle of life!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday
Saturday - Softball was a blast, went 3 for 4 for softball, showed those furries just how girls can hit! My fielding, needed some work though. I was trying to much to be a showoff and i didn't field any balls hit, between my legs and so they almost all got by me... blah. Everyone was super cool though, even though they didn't know how to say Sonia... i didn't think it was that hard to say! Benihanas food was great, the show was mediocre at best. I was pretty disappointed compared to some of the competitions i saw on TV. Perhaps i just had my expectations too high. Later on, was a birthday party/cookout at a buddies which had good food, good drinks and good atmosphere. Was almost a perfect day. There was my friend at the party which i thought i'd be able to spend more time with. I anticipated though, he went off with someone else to have fun, which made me feel lousy. I went home and cried until i fell asleep.
Sunday - This was an interesting day. A lot of things happened that was awesome to see. It was the very last day for Lou Pinella as he retired once the game was over. The announcement only came earlier that morning. It was a shock but what a memory to have! Also, the Braves CRUSHED the cubs and smacked them around. 16 runs, which was the most i've ever witnessed the Braves scoring. We also saw derek lee hit his first hit as a Brave, and was against his former team!
Monday - day wasn't too exciting. Evening, i was able to have a little fun by myself, and it felt wonderful. I wasn't able to do that for many weeks, and my roommate wasn't home so i was a bit noisy *blushes*.
Tuesday - I'm not sure how my roommate thinks. He bought a computer and ended up setting it up on the kitchen table planning on keeping it there. who the fuck does that? ARG!!! At least he is starting to turn off the lights before he leaves or goes to bed. Baby steps i guess... baby steps. I also cooked my first turkey breast! it came out pretty well i think, it was juicy and enough meet for 3 meals... om nom nom.
Wednesday - Friend of facebook made a new vid. I was planning on updating her anyway of how things were going. It helps to give kind of a better timeline for how things will develop with hormones. I understand each person is different, but I just want to have a decent range of time, although the endocrinologist will enlighten me as well (or if he doesn't i'll ask the appropriate questions). Also finished a book from an outside PhD Psychologist's point-of-view on transsexualism and how it affects various TS's and how the effect is different from person to person. There were some passages that hit exactly what i went through. I think i will send to mom next week as i don't want her to get it on her birthday.
Sunday - This was an interesting day. A lot of things happened that was awesome to see. It was the very last day for Lou Pinella as he retired once the game was over. The announcement only came earlier that morning. It was a shock but what a memory to have! Also, the Braves CRUSHED the cubs and smacked them around. 16 runs, which was the most i've ever witnessed the Braves scoring. We also saw derek lee hit his first hit as a Brave, and was against his former team!
Monday - day wasn't too exciting. Evening, i was able to have a little fun by myself, and it felt wonderful. I wasn't able to do that for many weeks, and my roommate wasn't home so i was a bit noisy *blushes*.
Tuesday - I'm not sure how my roommate thinks. He bought a computer and ended up setting it up on the kitchen table planning on keeping it there. who the fuck does that? ARG!!! At least he is starting to turn off the lights before he leaves or goes to bed. Baby steps i guess... baby steps. I also cooked my first turkey breast! it came out pretty well i think, it was juicy and enough meet for 3 meals... om nom nom.
Wednesday - Friend of facebook made a new vid. I was planning on updating her anyway of how things were going. It helps to give kind of a better timeline for how things will develop with hormones. I understand each person is different, but I just want to have a decent range of time, although the endocrinologist will enlighten me as well (or if he doesn't i'll ask the appropriate questions). Also finished a book from an outside PhD Psychologist's point-of-view on transsexualism and how it affects various TS's and how the effect is different from person to person. There were some passages that hit exactly what i went through. I think i will send to mom next week as i don't want her to get it on her birthday.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
This week
Saturday - i had a date and everything went very well. Saw a movie, had lunch and then spent some time together in the evening and had dinner together. One thing i notice is that i need to pay attention to words more. I get into the habit of my way of day dreaming while still pretending to pay attention. I need to work on that! (although sometimes it is handy, just not when trying to converse with a friend!)
Sunday - cleaned up my place and then had dinner with my brother. We talked a bit about what i am going through, but it is still hard for him to talk about it. I pushed a little bit, but i didn't want to go too far. Eventually, he will have to talk about it, but i'll give him a little more time.
Monday & Tuesday - Not a lot to talk about. Things went pretty smooth.
Wednesday - Did a new workout, 300m worth of lunges. My butt is still hurting today from them. The first 100m i did in 5 mins. The second 100m i did in 10 mins and the third i did in 15 mins. You don't realise how much your body weight can work you so well, even if you are only 160 lbs like me! After the workout i had dinner again with my friend. Hee, he is kinda dommie with makes me melt a little *blushes*
Thursday - Spent the entire work day with a lousy technician. I don't mind someone being thorough, but if there are quicker solutions to try first, lets try them instead of spending 3 hours looking at packets... makes me irritated when that happens. I didn't get lunch until 4pm! GRRR GRRR.
Friday - Had a nice talk to my mom. Its difficult. She wants proof in the bible where it is ok to be transgendered. This is the biggest issue i have with their religion. I view the bible as a GUIDE on how to live your life, where they want to view it as how you MUST live your life. This is why my mom struggles to cope with it, as she is going to take a lot of heat from my grandmother. "you should have taken your kids to church more, blah blah blah." Don't get me wrong, love her to death and she is smart, but if there is anything i wish i could do is open peoples mind out of their close knit selves and see everything from all angles. I know that is asking A LOT but that would be a nice goal, wouldn't it?
Saturday - I have a softball game to attend today, then benihana dinner, and then a party. Should be a fun day. Gets my mind off of things for a whole day! A mental vacation, so to say.
Sunday - cleaned up my place and then had dinner with my brother. We talked a bit about what i am going through, but it is still hard for him to talk about it. I pushed a little bit, but i didn't want to go too far. Eventually, he will have to talk about it, but i'll give him a little more time.
Monday & Tuesday - Not a lot to talk about. Things went pretty smooth.
Wednesday - Did a new workout, 300m worth of lunges. My butt is still hurting today from them. The first 100m i did in 5 mins. The second 100m i did in 10 mins and the third i did in 15 mins. You don't realise how much your body weight can work you so well, even if you are only 160 lbs like me! After the workout i had dinner again with my friend. Hee, he is kinda dommie with makes me melt a little *blushes*
Thursday - Spent the entire work day with a lousy technician. I don't mind someone being thorough, but if there are quicker solutions to try first, lets try them instead of spending 3 hours looking at packets... makes me irritated when that happens. I didn't get lunch until 4pm! GRRR GRRR.
Friday - Had a nice talk to my mom. Its difficult. She wants proof in the bible where it is ok to be transgendered. This is the biggest issue i have with their religion. I view the bible as a GUIDE on how to live your life, where they want to view it as how you MUST live your life. This is why my mom struggles to cope with it, as she is going to take a lot of heat from my grandmother. "you should have taken your kids to church more, blah blah blah." Don't get me wrong, love her to death and she is smart, but if there is anything i wish i could do is open peoples mind out of their close knit selves and see everything from all angles. I know that is asking A LOT but that would be a nice goal, wouldn't it?
Saturday - I have a softball game to attend today, then benihana dinner, and then a party. Should be a fun day. Gets my mind off of things for a whole day! A mental vacation, so to say.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
This week
Yep, i was lazy this week in keeping this updated. Lots of things happened this week. On tuesday, i had my first meeting for hair removal. The place i went to said it could take 1-2 years at 4 hours per week at a cost of $90/hr. So 90 x 4 x 52 = $18,720 per year!!! i don't know how, but i maintained my composure during the entire meeting. I wanted to throw up.
Thankfully on Wednesday, i went to a place that does electrolysis and laser hair removal. She had the exact same idea i did for facial removal, laser first and if necessary electrolysis later. Laser can only be done once every 8 weeks because of the hair growth cycle (hair grew in cycles, who knew!) and so you have to wait for the affected hairs to fall out first to see if or how the hair grows back. Laser will cost at most $230/mo. for 8-12 months. For non math oriented people thats $1840 to $2760 TOTAL. It is the only time in my life, I am grateful to have dark hair and truly feel bad for blonde & redhead transwomen.
Thursday, not a lot happened.
Friday, work was really busy which was good! It made friday go extra quick! Later on, however, I met up with the last family member that i have not come out to yet. I had no issues telling them what i have gone through and what i'm currently going through but once they said "we love and support you" the tears started flowing. How embarrasing to try to maintain your composure at a public restaurant! It sucked but there was no better way to do it.
I have a fun saturday lined up. Will tell more tonight!
Thankfully on Wednesday, i went to a place that does electrolysis and laser hair removal. She had the exact same idea i did for facial removal, laser first and if necessary electrolysis later. Laser can only be done once every 8 weeks because of the hair growth cycle (hair grew in cycles, who knew!) and so you have to wait for the affected hairs to fall out first to see if or how the hair grows back. Laser will cost at most $230/mo. for 8-12 months. For non math oriented people thats $1840 to $2760 TOTAL. It is the only time in my life, I am grateful to have dark hair and truly feel bad for blonde & redhead transwomen.
Thursday, not a lot happened.
Friday, work was really busy which was good! It made friday go extra quick! Later on, however, I met up with the last family member that i have not come out to yet. I had no issues telling them what i have gone through and what i'm currently going through but once they said "we love and support you" the tears started flowing. How embarrasing to try to maintain your composure at a public restaurant! It sucked but there was no better way to do it.
I have a fun saturday lined up. Will tell more tonight!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Weekend
Well, the weekend was pleasant and interesting. Saturday, I did some cleaning, called up the parents and had a nice talk with my mom. After 4 months, she seems to be starting in the acceptance phase. I understand she may still not be fully there yet, but it is the best news i have had in a long time!
I got my ears pierced on Saturday. Got to the piercing parlor at 2:30 and didn't get out until 4, lol. They were much busier than i anticipated, but everything went well! Cost me 2 x more than doing it at a gun store, but it was worth it. They are perfectly aligned! I did almost feint there and i'm not sure why. The thought of metal through my skin was disturbing? Or maybe its the thought of the flesh wound and the process it takes to heal. It passed after a few mins (and water always helps) so i left with my new metal studs! yay!
Later on, I met up with a longtime friend of mine to what the UFC fight and came out to him. He had quite a few good tips on how to understand how others will perceive me and most of the time you are unable to change their opinions of me. That is pretty sad if you think about it. One of humanities best traits is the ability to adapt to new situations and I have a feeling my extended family won't adapt to me. I hope I am wrong but i'm usually good at understanding people.
Sunday wasn't too exciting. To keep me busy, i rearranged my room a little bit to something that makes more sense. I've opened up quite a bit more room in the center of my bedroom which feels empty. So what i may do is get a couple small tables or something along each wall to make it feel more comforting and relaxing.
I got my ears pierced on Saturday. Got to the piercing parlor at 2:30 and didn't get out until 4, lol. They were much busier than i anticipated, but everything went well! Cost me 2 x more than doing it at a gun store, but it was worth it. They are perfectly aligned! I did almost feint there and i'm not sure why. The thought of metal through my skin was disturbing? Or maybe its the thought of the flesh wound and the process it takes to heal. It passed after a few mins (and water always helps) so i left with my new metal studs! yay!
Later on, I met up with a longtime friend of mine to what the UFC fight and came out to him. He had quite a few good tips on how to understand how others will perceive me and most of the time you are unable to change their opinions of me. That is pretty sad if you think about it. One of humanities best traits is the ability to adapt to new situations and I have a feeling my extended family won't adapt to me. I hope I am wrong but i'm usually good at understanding people.
Sunday wasn't too exciting. To keep me busy, i rearranged my room a little bit to something that makes more sense. I've opened up quite a bit more room in the center of my bedroom which feels empty. So what i may do is get a couple small tables or something along each wall to make it feel more comforting and relaxing.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday
Woke up in the morning remembering a dream i was having. It was very bizarre. I was dreaming that I was attending a wedding in Bloomington, and it was supposed to be the typical church all my family goes to. Well, I noticed none of them were dressed in suits, instead they were all in every day clothes. Then the preacher was like the TV preachers and so i went back and asked my family if this was the right address. We then left the sermon and went downstairs where the father of the groom was waiting.
Then it skipped forward to one of the benches, and my grandfather was there. I vividly remember crying when i saw him, but I knew it was not him. As all dreams seem weird, i knew this was some guy shape shifting to look like my grandfather. This still did not stop me from crying.
Very strange... although it is comforting to know I can dream now and i like the randomness of them. It is a reminder how much we don't know about our own minds.
Work went well today. When i got home, i just felt all alone and i just wanted to cry. A friend who was supposed to go with me to get my ears pierced had something come up so it seems like I'll be going alone. Thankfully, a friend of mine was available to hang out with tonight, so it was nice to get out and socialize. We watched Salt which was a very good movie! Go watch!!
Then it skipped forward to one of the benches, and my grandfather was there. I vividly remember crying when i saw him, but I knew it was not him. As all dreams seem weird, i knew this was some guy shape shifting to look like my grandfather. This still did not stop me from crying.
Very strange... although it is comforting to know I can dream now and i like the randomness of them. It is a reminder how much we don't know about our own minds.
Work went well today. When i got home, i just felt all alone and i just wanted to cry. A friend who was supposed to go with me to get my ears pierced had something come up so it seems like I'll be going alone. Thankfully, a friend of mine was available to hang out with tonight, so it was nice to get out and socialize. We watched Salt which was a very good movie! Go watch!!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday
So, I've started this new diet... and I'm really not one for diets unless there is scientific evidence it does what i need it to do. Supposedly, by good sources, a low glycemic diet will help someone if their body is resistant to insulin. Time will tell if this is going to work for me. Interestingly enough, today I have some of the most amount of concentration I have done in a long time, and i'm not even exhausted from it. Hopefully this keeps up as it feels good to concentrate when i need to.
Drafted a little Magic: The Gathering today. Went 3 & 1, w00t!
Yesterday, I had 2 panic attacks which were not fun and they were over the most rediculous things. I like storms... actually i like all of natures disaster stuff. The interesting thing is that yesterday morning, I work up 10 minutes before a storm came though. My mind started drifting off as it always does, wonder how nasty it will be. Well, the thought of tornadoes (which I LOVE) just sent me into a small panic attack which confused the heck out of me. Do i not like tornadoes anymore? Then when i was at work, something silly i was thinking about and bam, happened again for about 30 seconds. So bizarre. Perhaps it was the wierd dream where someone had psychic abilities like in Akira, caused a thrill-like nightmare beforehand.
I also went out to dinner with a group of friends during the evening yesterday. Had a good time as one was from out of town and was in the area for business. Unfortunately, it was costly for me as the only thing i could have on my new diet was steak.
Still have not set up an appointment with an endo yet. I'm gonna follow up again tomorrow with the dr office to see how things are going. I know i shouldn't be so pushy but its August now and i started therapy back in January. I guess i feel like i need to make up lost time... not trying to rush MY process, just want to get to someone who knows something!
Drafted a little Magic: The Gathering today. Went 3 & 1, w00t!
Yesterday, I had 2 panic attacks which were not fun and they were over the most rediculous things. I like storms... actually i like all of natures disaster stuff. The interesting thing is that yesterday morning, I work up 10 minutes before a storm came though. My mind started drifting off as it always does, wonder how nasty it will be. Well, the thought of tornadoes (which I LOVE) just sent me into a small panic attack which confused the heck out of me. Do i not like tornadoes anymore? Then when i was at work, something silly i was thinking about and bam, happened again for about 30 seconds. So bizarre. Perhaps it was the wierd dream where someone had psychic abilities like in Akira, caused a thrill-like nightmare beforehand.
I also went out to dinner with a group of friends during the evening yesterday. Had a good time as one was from out of town and was in the area for business. Unfortunately, it was costly for me as the only thing i could have on my new diet was steak.
Still have not set up an appointment with an endo yet. I'm gonna follow up again tomorrow with the dr office to see how things are going. I know i shouldn't be so pushy but its August now and i started therapy back in January. I guess i feel like i need to make up lost time... not trying to rush MY process, just want to get to someone who knows something!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday
Today was a very interesting day.
Work was work. Busy but nothing too much.
I did something very stupid and I will regret it for a very long time. See, I have been waiting to get to a place to guide me in my hormone process. Ideally, I would have liked to have found someone a while ago, but since i didn't, i took it upon myself until i do. As i was driving back to work, I finally got that call to someone who can help. I was driving AND writing down the information in a 6 lane street in the middle lane. I let the excitement get to me and was completely oblivious to the traffic around me. Lo and behold, a cop saw me and pulled me over. She gave me a good tongue lashing on how i should never be doing that. I told her she is absolutely right and what i did was completely stupid (because it was). Additionally, I had my insurance card end 2 days ago and I have not printed out a temporary card yet. Also, my license plate does not have the new sticker on it (also ended 2 days ago) and my perminent address is still back at my parents. The only reason i still have my drivers license today, is luck. She got a more important call than what she would have given me. This experience was very humbling and it is a lesson I will not forget. I let my emotions get the best of me and put me in a dangerous situation. I will make sure that will never happen again unless i'm parked.
As i just mentioned, i have an endocrinologist to go to if my doc doesn't find someone tomorrow. It is so soon i'll start having supervision and i'm so excited! I also am researching electrolysis places and have 3 picked out. I need to visit each one and see their pricing and their methods. It is both a happy and yet anxious day as the cost associated is just about to ratchet up.
Work was work. Busy but nothing too much.
I did something very stupid and I will regret it for a very long time. See, I have been waiting to get to a place to guide me in my hormone process. Ideally, I would have liked to have found someone a while ago, but since i didn't, i took it upon myself until i do. As i was driving back to work, I finally got that call to someone who can help. I was driving AND writing down the information in a 6 lane street in the middle lane. I let the excitement get to me and was completely oblivious to the traffic around me. Lo and behold, a cop saw me and pulled me over. She gave me a good tongue lashing on how i should never be doing that. I told her she is absolutely right and what i did was completely stupid (because it was). Additionally, I had my insurance card end 2 days ago and I have not printed out a temporary card yet. Also, my license plate does not have the new sticker on it (also ended 2 days ago) and my perminent address is still back at my parents. The only reason i still have my drivers license today, is luck. She got a more important call than what she would have given me. This experience was very humbling and it is a lesson I will not forget. I let my emotions get the best of me and put me in a dangerous situation. I will make sure that will never happen again unless i'm parked.
As i just mentioned, i have an endocrinologist to go to if my doc doesn't find someone tomorrow. It is so soon i'll start having supervision and i'm so excited! I also am researching electrolysis places and have 3 picked out. I need to visit each one and see their pricing and their methods. It is both a happy and yet anxious day as the cost associated is just about to ratchet up.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sunday
Not much to really update with over the weekend.
Spent the day today with the family. They didn't talk about what i'm going through, but when i start seeing an endocrinologist, I will tell them. I feel they have to know i am serious about being happy, and I will do anything to achieve that.
Saturday I saw a friend of mine who recently had gastric bypass surgery. He is doing really well but cannot eat more than a handfull of food per meal. I spent the rest of the day with some of my old friends playing d&d and had fun. It is nice to not have to hide anything anymore... i am much more relaxed now.
Friday not much happened. Cleaning up my room, doing a rather deep cleaning, throwing out clothes i'll never wear anymore, mainly clothes that do not fit me (38" jeans for example :P)
Spent the day today with the family. They didn't talk about what i'm going through, but when i start seeing an endocrinologist, I will tell them. I feel they have to know i am serious about being happy, and I will do anything to achieve that.
Saturday I saw a friend of mine who recently had gastric bypass surgery. He is doing really well but cannot eat more than a handfull of food per meal. I spent the rest of the day with some of my old friends playing d&d and had fun. It is nice to not have to hide anything anymore... i am much more relaxed now.
Friday not much happened. Cleaning up my room, doing a rather deep cleaning, throwing out clothes i'll never wear anymore, mainly clothes that do not fit me (38" jeans for example :P)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday
Hmm... what to put... I WENT ON A DATE!!!
OMG it was awesome. He made me break my diet, which once in a while i can see that being fine. Just can't make a habit of it! Afterwards we went to Cabela's and he taught me a bit about guns and ammo, although i'm not much of a gun person i tried to learn as much as i could. Then we drove around a bit until we found a forest preserve to park in, went on a walk and started making out. Probably 20 minutes passed as the sun dipped below the trees and the sky darkened, the cops came by catching us in the act of making out. *giggles*
The heat died down a bit so we went back to the mall and walked around the parking lot a bit before we had to depart. Nothing fancy but I enjoyed myself!
Had a nice discussion earlier with a friend, just making sure this is the right choice for me, which with 100% of my confidence is. Don't get me wrong, i'm always thinking about it but always my conclusion is that this is what will make me happy.
It's late, and I have to work tomorrow, signing off for now.
OMG it was awesome. He made me break my diet, which once in a while i can see that being fine. Just can't make a habit of it! Afterwards we went to Cabela's and he taught me a bit about guns and ammo, although i'm not much of a gun person i tried to learn as much as i could. Then we drove around a bit until we found a forest preserve to park in, went on a walk and started making out. Probably 20 minutes passed as the sun dipped below the trees and the sky darkened, the cops came by catching us in the act of making out. *giggles*
The heat died down a bit so we went back to the mall and walked around the parking lot a bit before we had to depart. Nothing fancy but I enjoyed myself!
Had a nice discussion earlier with a friend, just making sure this is the right choice for me, which with 100% of my confidence is. Don't get me wrong, i'm always thinking about it but always my conclusion is that this is what will make me happy.
It's late, and I have to work tomorrow, signing off for now.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday
Soreness is starting to dwindle a bit. Kinda glad i had this day off to recouperate. I could actually go up AND down stairs without looking like an old woman!
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday
Wow, has it already been almost a week since the last time I wrote? I need to stay focused and on track!
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday
Do things happen for a reason?
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday
This morning i had an interesting dream. The dream was about trying to catch a plane to hawaii and how confusing the airport was which i ended up not making the plane. But in the dream, i was able to reschedule for another flight through the maze-like airport and was able to make it to hawaii. For some reason, my family and I got into a hotel room that was 3 stories tall before we found out it was the wrong room and then we were in a room the size of a tent, lol. Such bizarre dreams i'm having.
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday
Had a strange dream. It's the first time i've had a reoccuring dream. My dream is that i never get to the appropriate high school class ontime, and i seem to go to the wrong classroom first. Each time i've had the dream (this is the 2nd or 3rd time) it is always a different class i enter first before trying to find the appropriate class room. It's bizzare but it just makes me get all stressed out until i wake up.
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Weekend
Weekend turned out to be much more interesting than I could have predicted. I started doing my good deed for the month by helping out some friends paint their new home interior. My summer job for 3 years was painting walls at my old high school, I couldn't believe I actually missed painting (or maybe it was the paint fumes...)
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday
Interesting day today. I had to troubleshoot PA system issues which turned out to be a 4 hour issue. I hate the PA system at work, going over old wiring and having 20 different amplifiers which can fail at any given time... blah. It really made me irritable as we are paying a tech by the hour and he wanted to redo a bunch of wiring and i just wanted the fucking thing to work!
So that made me pretty stressed when i had my psychiatrist appointment. I still have anxiety issues whenever i talk to my mom because she still thinks there is a chance i won't go through with it. Sorry mom, but i need to be happy too and I've waited long enough. Because of this, my anti-depressant dosage was increased again. I must be pretty fucked up to go to the max dosage *sighs* but i hope all will work out in the end.
After psychiatrist appointment, i called my physician on how my referral process is going and they submitted the request yesterday. 3-5 days i should know if i got it so can can go to a qualified center... I'm so excited!
My hormones also arrived right on time today... *PHEW* i almost missed my Friday routine.
Let's see, i also painted my toenails a metallic purple and looks lovely on me ^^. I just need to improve my technique as a few of my toes aren't done very well *pouts*. Oh well, always next time!
Speaking of techniques, i have begun my practicing for my female voice. The only place I'm getting to, is how much more practice i need! I WILL sound like a normal girl!
One last thing, my epiliator machine came in this past week and used it for the first time today. that machine is EVIL! I used it on my left arm 2 hours ago and my arm is STILL red! If you don't know what it does, it literally pulls the hairs out as you move the machine along your skin. I hope it is worth it as I shouldn't have to worry about them growing back for a month.
So that made me pretty stressed when i had my psychiatrist appointment. I still have anxiety issues whenever i talk to my mom because she still thinks there is a chance i won't go through with it. Sorry mom, but i need to be happy too and I've waited long enough. Because of this, my anti-depressant dosage was increased again. I must be pretty fucked up to go to the max dosage *sighs* but i hope all will work out in the end.
After psychiatrist appointment, i called my physician on how my referral process is going and they submitted the request yesterday. 3-5 days i should know if i got it so can can go to a qualified center... I'm so excited!
My hormones also arrived right on time today... *PHEW* i almost missed my Friday routine.
Let's see, i also painted my toenails a metallic purple and looks lovely on me ^^. I just need to improve my technique as a few of my toes aren't done very well *pouts*. Oh well, always next time!
Speaking of techniques, i have begun my practicing for my female voice. The only place I'm getting to, is how much more practice i need! I WILL sound like a normal girl!
One last thing, my epiliator machine came in this past week and used it for the first time today. that machine is EVIL! I used it on my left arm 2 hours ago and my arm is STILL red! If you don't know what it does, it literally pulls the hairs out as you move the machine along your skin. I hope it is worth it as I shouldn't have to worry about them growing back for a month.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Thursday
The one thing you don't know when you have a dilemma in your life, is how strong your friendships are with people you befriended before you come out. Case and point was last night I sent people i felt comfortable with, links to my blog. A friend of mine I've known for 10 years now has taken his own time to research what I am going through. He knows of the issues i face both with friends, family and with work and sent me a link this morning to a video of another TS who has transitioned but her family still does not accept her.
Friendship can be something as simple as someone who doesn't understand what you are going through, but takes their own time to try to research and understand to help any way possible. I have to be grateful for having befriended someone like him as I was not expecting little things like that.
I had a dream last night, and after starting hormones my dreams have gotten more vivid, and i haven't dreamt as much as i have the last month in my entire life and it feels really awesome even though I've already had a nightmare, while the others have just been strange. The dream i had last night wasn't me as a girl, but it was me transitioning, the way i am now. For some reason I parked my car, went to a restaurant to eat, came back out with friends & family and my car was missing. We walked along the bank of a stream that was next to the building and my car was submerged in the stream just below the foot rests. I was able to safely start my car, and drive it out of the stream to my parents place as i am now. It almost felt like i thought of myself as Sonia but i can't be certain.
I think i understood what happened to me yesterday. I am starting to develop mood swings, which is something i haven't experienced before nor do i know how to control them yet. An example is this morning i was sad for no reason. After watching the video my friend sent me, i cried again... not from the material in the movie (but i was glad i did see it) but because of how much my friend must care for me. It wasn't a long cry, but 5 minutes or so and it actually felt really good just to let it out.
Tomorrow may be a big day. Hopefully my hormones arrive, I have my psychiatrist appointment and my PCP should get back to me on how my referral to a more specialized clinic is going.
Friendship can be something as simple as someone who doesn't understand what you are going through, but takes their own time to try to research and understand to help any way possible. I have to be grateful for having befriended someone like him as I was not expecting little things like that.
I had a dream last night, and after starting hormones my dreams have gotten more vivid, and i haven't dreamt as much as i have the last month in my entire life and it feels really awesome even though I've already had a nightmare, while the others have just been strange. The dream i had last night wasn't me as a girl, but it was me transitioning, the way i am now. For some reason I parked my car, went to a restaurant to eat, came back out with friends & family and my car was missing. We walked along the bank of a stream that was next to the building and my car was submerged in the stream just below the foot rests. I was able to safely start my car, and drive it out of the stream to my parents place as i am now. It almost felt like i thought of myself as Sonia but i can't be certain.
I think i understood what happened to me yesterday. I am starting to develop mood swings, which is something i haven't experienced before nor do i know how to control them yet. An example is this morning i was sad for no reason. After watching the video my friend sent me, i cried again... not from the material in the movie (but i was glad i did see it) but because of how much my friend must care for me. It wasn't a long cry, but 5 minutes or so and it actually felt really good just to let it out.
Tomorrow may be a big day. Hopefully my hormones arrive, I have my psychiatrist appointment and my PCP should get back to me on how my referral to a more specialized clinic is going.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
7/14
This morning i felt great. got up, did my elliptical for 400 calories got ready for work. the day went decent at work, but sometime in the afternoon i just became all depressed. Just completely down and not really wanting to do much. It is something i notice i struggle with since starting the FDA approved t-blocker - Spiro (whereas before i was taking androcur as my t-blocker). I think it was triggered when i saw how much electrolysis costs and my dark facial hair clashes with my light skinned face knowing I'll have to go through the process. i worry if i have enough money reserved to go through with the entire process. I guess i won't know until i see what insurance will cover and what it won't.
A TS friend of mine finally got her boobs on Friday. She is in pain but is so happy. I want to be happy like her... i just struggle right now staying positive as I don't really have someone nearby i can talk to that is close to my age. I know it takes time, but yet my thoughts still do the "what if" game. What if my family wasn't religious, would i have found out sooner? What if i turn out to be a masculine woman, how much will facial surgery cost? What if I'm working out too much for my body to put fat where it needs to go? What if my parents were more accepting of my decision would i feel this depressed?
I am told it is not good to think this way but the thoughts are there no matter how hard you try to not linger on them.
I will have a busy weekend though safely in my own bedroom. My epilator came in today which will test my pain tolerance. I have been told it is pretty high but i still have my doubts. I also need to paint my toenails as i gave them a week off of having anything on them. I am thinking of finding a nice metallic red, something slightly dark since my skin is rather pale.
A TS friend of mine finally got her boobs on Friday. She is in pain but is so happy. I want to be happy like her... i just struggle right now staying positive as I don't really have someone nearby i can talk to that is close to my age. I know it takes time, but yet my thoughts still do the "what if" game. What if my family wasn't religious, would i have found out sooner? What if i turn out to be a masculine woman, how much will facial surgery cost? What if I'm working out too much for my body to put fat where it needs to go? What if my parents were more accepting of my decision would i feel this depressed?
I am told it is not good to think this way but the thoughts are there no matter how hard you try to not linger on them.
I will have a busy weekend though safely in my own bedroom. My epilator came in today which will test my pain tolerance. I have been told it is pretty high but i still have my doubts. I also need to paint my toenails as i gave them a week off of having anything on them. I am thinking of finding a nice metallic red, something slightly dark since my skin is rather pale.
First entry
I guess I started trying to post my thoughts but it is very difficult for me to write how I feel. I started a blog a few months ago and didn't keep up with it, when I did not decide a name for myself. You can read it at tgnoname.blogspot.com.
A lot has happened since then yet it doesn't feel like a lot. I don't feel comfortable with myself yet even though I’ve noticed a few changes with myself. I feel better than I ever have in the past but I still have a long ways to go before I can truly feel like myself.
Since this is a journal, everything I write will not be proofread, just spell checked as to not interfere with my thoughts.
I am MtF transgender. A lot of people say it happens when they are young... they just know they are girls. Growing up, I often prayed at night that I would awake as a girl or as a female animal... usually cheetahs as I like how fast and graceful they are. I either had female friends or no friends as I grew up because I found it difficult to associate with other guys. I always remember when girls used to ask me out, why they want to do so when I just wanted to be their friends. Of course, the male thing to do was to accept, but I wasn't comfortable in that role. As I went to college the confusion continued, and I tried being male... tried my hardest actually but I couldn't deny my femininity. It was like, the harder I tried at being male, the stronger desire I had to dress pretty. I even went so far as to throw away all my female items and banish it from my mind which just caused more issues as I tried to appease my family by trying to stay religious even though I never believed any of the stories in the bible.
I cried a lot, and when I was able to move out from my family I started dressing pretty again but not as much as I wanted. I was confused not knowing what I was. As time went on, I talked to other people, some crossdressers, some transvestites and some transsexuals and the transsexuals seemed to understand me more than the other groups. That made me cry even more as I thought so much on that, what path would this lead to, what challenges lay ahead and what would it do to my family that I love so much.
This was 5 years ago, and I dismissed it again. this lead to a slow decline in my happiness. I didn't see it coming but until about a 2 years ago, I was starting to think how I wasted so much time in my life not being happy. Why was I not happy? I had a career, friends, family, I was out living but I had no partner. Was that the reason I was unhappy or was it more... did I not have a partner because I was never happy with myself? Questions upon questions and I didn't have an answer... well I did, but I didn't want to admit it even though it stayed in my thoughts. I made myself be happy when I was supposed to be happy, sad when I was supposed to be sad... etc but it didn't feel real.
My thoughts about a year ago started turning even worse. I rationalized that if I took my own life, it would be easier than having my parents deal with all the issues that will arise with my extended family if I transitioned to being a woman. I knew I was ready to change, but I've never told a soul face to face... just random online strangers and I knew it was going to shock a lot of people. "Perhaps it would just be easier to die than to transition" was the thought I had to make it easier on everyone else.
Eventually, I decided to see if I was truly meant to be a woman, so I went and purchased hormones back in November 2009. I took them orally for 2 months and the emotional change was beautiful... I felt like the world made sense. I could interpret conversations better and could verbalize how I was feeling to others easily, something I had always struggled with. Before I was on those hormones, I always cared about others instead of myself... as in that was the first thing that was always there when I interacted with someone. Now, I could think about what was best for me first and then everyone else second.
I was happy, scared and tried to be confused but knowing what this meant. That’s when the suicide thoughts came a little more frequently and I decided to seek out a therapist in January 2010. We got to a point in May where the help I needed had to be someone more specialized than her. This was at the lowest point in my life.
A week or two before this, I came out to my parents that I am transgendered and I need to live my life as a woman. (I don't necessarily classify myself yet as a transsexual as I’m not integrated into society as a female yet.) I believe I posted in my previous blog (link at the top of the post) that I started drinking heavily. I was drinking 5-7 drinks a night to rid myself of the problems. This is when I knew I had to take things into my own hands until I could get the specialized care I needed before I took my own life. So I started back up on real hormones (the others were herbal) which I have now been steadily taking for 4 weeks now.
This is my story.
A lot has happened since then yet it doesn't feel like a lot. I don't feel comfortable with myself yet even though I’ve noticed a few changes with myself. I feel better than I ever have in the past but I still have a long ways to go before I can truly feel like myself.
Since this is a journal, everything I write will not be proofread, just spell checked as to not interfere with my thoughts.
I am MtF transgender. A lot of people say it happens when they are young... they just know they are girls. Growing up, I often prayed at night that I would awake as a girl or as a female animal... usually cheetahs as I like how fast and graceful they are. I either had female friends or no friends as I grew up because I found it difficult to associate with other guys. I always remember when girls used to ask me out, why they want to do so when I just wanted to be their friends. Of course, the male thing to do was to accept, but I wasn't comfortable in that role. As I went to college the confusion continued, and I tried being male... tried my hardest actually but I couldn't deny my femininity. It was like, the harder I tried at being male, the stronger desire I had to dress pretty. I even went so far as to throw away all my female items and banish it from my mind which just caused more issues as I tried to appease my family by trying to stay religious even though I never believed any of the stories in the bible.
I cried a lot, and when I was able to move out from my family I started dressing pretty again but not as much as I wanted. I was confused not knowing what I was. As time went on, I talked to other people, some crossdressers, some transvestites and some transsexuals and the transsexuals seemed to understand me more than the other groups. That made me cry even more as I thought so much on that, what path would this lead to, what challenges lay ahead and what would it do to my family that I love so much.
This was 5 years ago, and I dismissed it again. this lead to a slow decline in my happiness. I didn't see it coming but until about a 2 years ago, I was starting to think how I wasted so much time in my life not being happy. Why was I not happy? I had a career, friends, family, I was out living but I had no partner. Was that the reason I was unhappy or was it more... did I not have a partner because I was never happy with myself? Questions upon questions and I didn't have an answer... well I did, but I didn't want to admit it even though it stayed in my thoughts. I made myself be happy when I was supposed to be happy, sad when I was supposed to be sad... etc but it didn't feel real.
My thoughts about a year ago started turning even worse. I rationalized that if I took my own life, it would be easier than having my parents deal with all the issues that will arise with my extended family if I transitioned to being a woman. I knew I was ready to change, but I've never told a soul face to face... just random online strangers and I knew it was going to shock a lot of people. "Perhaps it would just be easier to die than to transition" was the thought I had to make it easier on everyone else.
Eventually, I decided to see if I was truly meant to be a woman, so I went and purchased hormones back in November 2009. I took them orally for 2 months and the emotional change was beautiful... I felt like the world made sense. I could interpret conversations better and could verbalize how I was feeling to others easily, something I had always struggled with. Before I was on those hormones, I always cared about others instead of myself... as in that was the first thing that was always there when I interacted with someone. Now, I could think about what was best for me first and then everyone else second.
I was happy, scared and tried to be confused but knowing what this meant. That’s when the suicide thoughts came a little more frequently and I decided to seek out a therapist in January 2010. We got to a point in May where the help I needed had to be someone more specialized than her. This was at the lowest point in my life.
A week or two before this, I came out to my parents that I am transgendered and I need to live my life as a woman. (I don't necessarily classify myself yet as a transsexual as I’m not integrated into society as a female yet.) I believe I posted in my previous blog (link at the top of the post) that I started drinking heavily. I was drinking 5-7 drinks a night to rid myself of the problems. This is when I knew I had to take things into my own hands until I could get the specialized care I needed before I took my own life. So I started back up on real hormones (the others were herbal) which I have now been steadily taking for 4 weeks now.
This is my story.
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