Well, hmm. My fucking grill was stolen today. pisses me off because i had to get dinner instead of making food i already had here. If only the person knew who they were stealing from... don't mess with us girls!
Lots of thoughts are going on in my head lately. My parents bought the same book i did, and i just finished writing to them about what places talk about my own experiences. It will be interesting to see what thety will write back. I just hope they understand a bit more, what i was thinking as i grew up. I just hope that the way i did it, was the best way i could have told them. You try to not play the "what if" game, but nonetheless it is still there in the back of your mind. You can only do the best you can, and focus on the choices you already made.
I have noticed that my outlook on life is slowly switching. I feel like i am starting to become more positive on things. Is that because I am accepting who i am and slowly becoming me? Is it because my parents are learning more about me? Does my new diet help me focus better?
My body is starting to change as well. the fat on my forearms is starting to build up. My veins do not stick out as much. my breasts are also starting to grow. no bra is necessary yet but another 1/2" i'll need to do something so no one at work will tell. I don't care if anyone notices on weekends or when i'm not at work. Strange isn't it? All my life i was focused on just fitting into the surroundings around me that now i don't care if people notice the real me coming out.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Weekend
I need to get back to writing every day because i forget so much of what goes through my mind during the week. Writing a journal is easy as remember events is not so hard but deep thoughts takes more concentration. Mental note: WRITE EVERY DAY!!
ok. so thursday i don't remember much.
Friday - I broke down finally and bought starcraft 2 and needed a new headset so write after paying off my credit card, bam, $110 down the drain... grrr. On top of that, the game kept making my computer spaz out, so i tried for 3 or 4 hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I got it fixed, the next day so beware! Sonia is going to start her domination over all those nerdy pimple faced kids! (yes, i can use this stereotype because i was one :P)
So saturday, i took some time with my hair, straightened it and tried to style it that was "emo" ish i guess. It didn't turn out that bad though, i was pretty happy with myself. Something i read was put some hairspray on your comb and comb your hair with it. Not only will it help stay in place, but it adds a little shine to your hair.
I also had my first time cuddling and having someone else sleep in my bed for romantic reasons. It felt sooo right to have someone hold you, and be with you. The world never made sense much before, but now pieces are slowly fitting into the puzzle of life!
ok. so thursday i don't remember much.
Friday - I broke down finally and bought starcraft 2 and needed a new headset so write after paying off my credit card, bam, $110 down the drain... grrr. On top of that, the game kept making my computer spaz out, so i tried for 3 or 4 hours trying to figure out what was wrong. I got it fixed, the next day so beware! Sonia is going to start her domination over all those nerdy pimple faced kids! (yes, i can use this stereotype because i was one :P)
So saturday, i took some time with my hair, straightened it and tried to style it that was "emo" ish i guess. It didn't turn out that bad though, i was pretty happy with myself. Something i read was put some hairspray on your comb and comb your hair with it. Not only will it help stay in place, but it adds a little shine to your hair.
I also had my first time cuddling and having someone else sleep in my bed for romantic reasons. It felt sooo right to have someone hold you, and be with you. The world never made sense much before, but now pieces are slowly fitting into the puzzle of life!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday
Saturday - Softball was a blast, went 3 for 4 for softball, showed those furries just how girls can hit! My fielding, needed some work though. I was trying to much to be a showoff and i didn't field any balls hit, between my legs and so they almost all got by me... blah. Everyone was super cool though, even though they didn't know how to say Sonia... i didn't think it was that hard to say! Benihanas food was great, the show was mediocre at best. I was pretty disappointed compared to some of the competitions i saw on TV. Perhaps i just had my expectations too high. Later on, was a birthday party/cookout at a buddies which had good food, good drinks and good atmosphere. Was almost a perfect day. There was my friend at the party which i thought i'd be able to spend more time with. I anticipated though, he went off with someone else to have fun, which made me feel lousy. I went home and cried until i fell asleep.
Sunday - This was an interesting day. A lot of things happened that was awesome to see. It was the very last day for Lou Pinella as he retired once the game was over. The announcement only came earlier that morning. It was a shock but what a memory to have! Also, the Braves CRUSHED the cubs and smacked them around. 16 runs, which was the most i've ever witnessed the Braves scoring. We also saw derek lee hit his first hit as a Brave, and was against his former team!
Monday - day wasn't too exciting. Evening, i was able to have a little fun by myself, and it felt wonderful. I wasn't able to do that for many weeks, and my roommate wasn't home so i was a bit noisy *blushes*.
Tuesday - I'm not sure how my roommate thinks. He bought a computer and ended up setting it up on the kitchen table planning on keeping it there. who the fuck does that? ARG!!! At least he is starting to turn off the lights before he leaves or goes to bed. Baby steps i guess... baby steps. I also cooked my first turkey breast! it came out pretty well i think, it was juicy and enough meet for 3 meals... om nom nom.
Wednesday - Friend of facebook made a new vid. I was planning on updating her anyway of how things were going. It helps to give kind of a better timeline for how things will develop with hormones. I understand each person is different, but I just want to have a decent range of time, although the endocrinologist will enlighten me as well (or if he doesn't i'll ask the appropriate questions). Also finished a book from an outside PhD Psychologist's point-of-view on transsexualism and how it affects various TS's and how the effect is different from person to person. There were some passages that hit exactly what i went through. I think i will send to mom next week as i don't want her to get it on her birthday.
Sunday - This was an interesting day. A lot of things happened that was awesome to see. It was the very last day for Lou Pinella as he retired once the game was over. The announcement only came earlier that morning. It was a shock but what a memory to have! Also, the Braves CRUSHED the cubs and smacked them around. 16 runs, which was the most i've ever witnessed the Braves scoring. We also saw derek lee hit his first hit as a Brave, and was against his former team!
Monday - day wasn't too exciting. Evening, i was able to have a little fun by myself, and it felt wonderful. I wasn't able to do that for many weeks, and my roommate wasn't home so i was a bit noisy *blushes*.
Tuesday - I'm not sure how my roommate thinks. He bought a computer and ended up setting it up on the kitchen table planning on keeping it there. who the fuck does that? ARG!!! At least he is starting to turn off the lights before he leaves or goes to bed. Baby steps i guess... baby steps. I also cooked my first turkey breast! it came out pretty well i think, it was juicy and enough meet for 3 meals... om nom nom.
Wednesday - Friend of facebook made a new vid. I was planning on updating her anyway of how things were going. It helps to give kind of a better timeline for how things will develop with hormones. I understand each person is different, but I just want to have a decent range of time, although the endocrinologist will enlighten me as well (or if he doesn't i'll ask the appropriate questions). Also finished a book from an outside PhD Psychologist's point-of-view on transsexualism and how it affects various TS's and how the effect is different from person to person. There were some passages that hit exactly what i went through. I think i will send to mom next week as i don't want her to get it on her birthday.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
This week
Saturday - i had a date and everything went very well. Saw a movie, had lunch and then spent some time together in the evening and had dinner together. One thing i notice is that i need to pay attention to words more. I get into the habit of my way of day dreaming while still pretending to pay attention. I need to work on that! (although sometimes it is handy, just not when trying to converse with a friend!)
Sunday - cleaned up my place and then had dinner with my brother. We talked a bit about what i am going through, but it is still hard for him to talk about it. I pushed a little bit, but i didn't want to go too far. Eventually, he will have to talk about it, but i'll give him a little more time.
Monday & Tuesday - Not a lot to talk about. Things went pretty smooth.
Wednesday - Did a new workout, 300m worth of lunges. My butt is still hurting today from them. The first 100m i did in 5 mins. The second 100m i did in 10 mins and the third i did in 15 mins. You don't realise how much your body weight can work you so well, even if you are only 160 lbs like me! After the workout i had dinner again with my friend. Hee, he is kinda dommie with makes me melt a little *blushes*
Thursday - Spent the entire work day with a lousy technician. I don't mind someone being thorough, but if there are quicker solutions to try first, lets try them instead of spending 3 hours looking at packets... makes me irritated when that happens. I didn't get lunch until 4pm! GRRR GRRR.
Friday - Had a nice talk to my mom. Its difficult. She wants proof in the bible where it is ok to be transgendered. This is the biggest issue i have with their religion. I view the bible as a GUIDE on how to live your life, where they want to view it as how you MUST live your life. This is why my mom struggles to cope with it, as she is going to take a lot of heat from my grandmother. "you should have taken your kids to church more, blah blah blah." Don't get me wrong, love her to death and she is smart, but if there is anything i wish i could do is open peoples mind out of their close knit selves and see everything from all angles. I know that is asking A LOT but that would be a nice goal, wouldn't it?
Saturday - I have a softball game to attend today, then benihana dinner, and then a party. Should be a fun day. Gets my mind off of things for a whole day! A mental vacation, so to say.
Sunday - cleaned up my place and then had dinner with my brother. We talked a bit about what i am going through, but it is still hard for him to talk about it. I pushed a little bit, but i didn't want to go too far. Eventually, he will have to talk about it, but i'll give him a little more time.
Monday & Tuesday - Not a lot to talk about. Things went pretty smooth.
Wednesday - Did a new workout, 300m worth of lunges. My butt is still hurting today from them. The first 100m i did in 5 mins. The second 100m i did in 10 mins and the third i did in 15 mins. You don't realise how much your body weight can work you so well, even if you are only 160 lbs like me! After the workout i had dinner again with my friend. Hee, he is kinda dommie with makes me melt a little *blushes*
Thursday - Spent the entire work day with a lousy technician. I don't mind someone being thorough, but if there are quicker solutions to try first, lets try them instead of spending 3 hours looking at packets... makes me irritated when that happens. I didn't get lunch until 4pm! GRRR GRRR.
Friday - Had a nice talk to my mom. Its difficult. She wants proof in the bible where it is ok to be transgendered. This is the biggest issue i have with their religion. I view the bible as a GUIDE on how to live your life, where they want to view it as how you MUST live your life. This is why my mom struggles to cope with it, as she is going to take a lot of heat from my grandmother. "you should have taken your kids to church more, blah blah blah." Don't get me wrong, love her to death and she is smart, but if there is anything i wish i could do is open peoples mind out of their close knit selves and see everything from all angles. I know that is asking A LOT but that would be a nice goal, wouldn't it?
Saturday - I have a softball game to attend today, then benihana dinner, and then a party. Should be a fun day. Gets my mind off of things for a whole day! A mental vacation, so to say.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
This week
Yep, i was lazy this week in keeping this updated. Lots of things happened this week. On tuesday, i had my first meeting for hair removal. The place i went to said it could take 1-2 years at 4 hours per week at a cost of $90/hr. So 90 x 4 x 52 = $18,720 per year!!! i don't know how, but i maintained my composure during the entire meeting. I wanted to throw up.
Thankfully on Wednesday, i went to a place that does electrolysis and laser hair removal. She had the exact same idea i did for facial removal, laser first and if necessary electrolysis later. Laser can only be done once every 8 weeks because of the hair growth cycle (hair grew in cycles, who knew!) and so you have to wait for the affected hairs to fall out first to see if or how the hair grows back. Laser will cost at most $230/mo. for 8-12 months. For non math oriented people thats $1840 to $2760 TOTAL. It is the only time in my life, I am grateful to have dark hair and truly feel bad for blonde & redhead transwomen.
Thursday, not a lot happened.
Friday, work was really busy which was good! It made friday go extra quick! Later on, however, I met up with the last family member that i have not come out to yet. I had no issues telling them what i have gone through and what i'm currently going through but once they said "we love and support you" the tears started flowing. How embarrasing to try to maintain your composure at a public restaurant! It sucked but there was no better way to do it.
I have a fun saturday lined up. Will tell more tonight!
Thankfully on Wednesday, i went to a place that does electrolysis and laser hair removal. She had the exact same idea i did for facial removal, laser first and if necessary electrolysis later. Laser can only be done once every 8 weeks because of the hair growth cycle (hair grew in cycles, who knew!) and so you have to wait for the affected hairs to fall out first to see if or how the hair grows back. Laser will cost at most $230/mo. for 8-12 months. For non math oriented people thats $1840 to $2760 TOTAL. It is the only time in my life, I am grateful to have dark hair and truly feel bad for blonde & redhead transwomen.
Thursday, not a lot happened.
Friday, work was really busy which was good! It made friday go extra quick! Later on, however, I met up with the last family member that i have not come out to yet. I had no issues telling them what i have gone through and what i'm currently going through but once they said "we love and support you" the tears started flowing. How embarrasing to try to maintain your composure at a public restaurant! It sucked but there was no better way to do it.
I have a fun saturday lined up. Will tell more tonight!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Weekend
Well, the weekend was pleasant and interesting. Saturday, I did some cleaning, called up the parents and had a nice talk with my mom. After 4 months, she seems to be starting in the acceptance phase. I understand she may still not be fully there yet, but it is the best news i have had in a long time!
I got my ears pierced on Saturday. Got to the piercing parlor at 2:30 and didn't get out until 4, lol. They were much busier than i anticipated, but everything went well! Cost me 2 x more than doing it at a gun store, but it was worth it. They are perfectly aligned! I did almost feint there and i'm not sure why. The thought of metal through my skin was disturbing? Or maybe its the thought of the flesh wound and the process it takes to heal. It passed after a few mins (and water always helps) so i left with my new metal studs! yay!
Later on, I met up with a longtime friend of mine to what the UFC fight and came out to him. He had quite a few good tips on how to understand how others will perceive me and most of the time you are unable to change their opinions of me. That is pretty sad if you think about it. One of humanities best traits is the ability to adapt to new situations and I have a feeling my extended family won't adapt to me. I hope I am wrong but i'm usually good at understanding people.
Sunday wasn't too exciting. To keep me busy, i rearranged my room a little bit to something that makes more sense. I've opened up quite a bit more room in the center of my bedroom which feels empty. So what i may do is get a couple small tables or something along each wall to make it feel more comforting and relaxing.
I got my ears pierced on Saturday. Got to the piercing parlor at 2:30 and didn't get out until 4, lol. They were much busier than i anticipated, but everything went well! Cost me 2 x more than doing it at a gun store, but it was worth it. They are perfectly aligned! I did almost feint there and i'm not sure why. The thought of metal through my skin was disturbing? Or maybe its the thought of the flesh wound and the process it takes to heal. It passed after a few mins (and water always helps) so i left with my new metal studs! yay!
Later on, I met up with a longtime friend of mine to what the UFC fight and came out to him. He had quite a few good tips on how to understand how others will perceive me and most of the time you are unable to change their opinions of me. That is pretty sad if you think about it. One of humanities best traits is the ability to adapt to new situations and I have a feeling my extended family won't adapt to me. I hope I am wrong but i'm usually good at understanding people.
Sunday wasn't too exciting. To keep me busy, i rearranged my room a little bit to something that makes more sense. I've opened up quite a bit more room in the center of my bedroom which feels empty. So what i may do is get a couple small tables or something along each wall to make it feel more comforting and relaxing.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday
Woke up in the morning remembering a dream i was having. It was very bizarre. I was dreaming that I was attending a wedding in Bloomington, and it was supposed to be the typical church all my family goes to. Well, I noticed none of them were dressed in suits, instead they were all in every day clothes. Then the preacher was like the TV preachers and so i went back and asked my family if this was the right address. We then left the sermon and went downstairs where the father of the groom was waiting.
Then it skipped forward to one of the benches, and my grandfather was there. I vividly remember crying when i saw him, but I knew it was not him. As all dreams seem weird, i knew this was some guy shape shifting to look like my grandfather. This still did not stop me from crying.
Very strange... although it is comforting to know I can dream now and i like the randomness of them. It is a reminder how much we don't know about our own minds.
Work went well today. When i got home, i just felt all alone and i just wanted to cry. A friend who was supposed to go with me to get my ears pierced had something come up so it seems like I'll be going alone. Thankfully, a friend of mine was available to hang out with tonight, so it was nice to get out and socialize. We watched Salt which was a very good movie! Go watch!!
Then it skipped forward to one of the benches, and my grandfather was there. I vividly remember crying when i saw him, but I knew it was not him. As all dreams seem weird, i knew this was some guy shape shifting to look like my grandfather. This still did not stop me from crying.
Very strange... although it is comforting to know I can dream now and i like the randomness of them. It is a reminder how much we don't know about our own minds.
Work went well today. When i got home, i just felt all alone and i just wanted to cry. A friend who was supposed to go with me to get my ears pierced had something come up so it seems like I'll be going alone. Thankfully, a friend of mine was available to hang out with tonight, so it was nice to get out and socialize. We watched Salt which was a very good movie! Go watch!!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday
So, I've started this new diet... and I'm really not one for diets unless there is scientific evidence it does what i need it to do. Supposedly, by good sources, a low glycemic diet will help someone if their body is resistant to insulin. Time will tell if this is going to work for me. Interestingly enough, today I have some of the most amount of concentration I have done in a long time, and i'm not even exhausted from it. Hopefully this keeps up as it feels good to concentrate when i need to.
Drafted a little Magic: The Gathering today. Went 3 & 1, w00t!
Yesterday, I had 2 panic attacks which were not fun and they were over the most rediculous things. I like storms... actually i like all of natures disaster stuff. The interesting thing is that yesterday morning, I work up 10 minutes before a storm came though. My mind started drifting off as it always does, wonder how nasty it will be. Well, the thought of tornadoes (which I LOVE) just sent me into a small panic attack which confused the heck out of me. Do i not like tornadoes anymore? Then when i was at work, something silly i was thinking about and bam, happened again for about 30 seconds. So bizarre. Perhaps it was the wierd dream where someone had psychic abilities like in Akira, caused a thrill-like nightmare beforehand.
I also went out to dinner with a group of friends during the evening yesterday. Had a good time as one was from out of town and was in the area for business. Unfortunately, it was costly for me as the only thing i could have on my new diet was steak.
Still have not set up an appointment with an endo yet. I'm gonna follow up again tomorrow with the dr office to see how things are going. I know i shouldn't be so pushy but its August now and i started therapy back in January. I guess i feel like i need to make up lost time... not trying to rush MY process, just want to get to someone who knows something!
Drafted a little Magic: The Gathering today. Went 3 & 1, w00t!
Yesterday, I had 2 panic attacks which were not fun and they were over the most rediculous things. I like storms... actually i like all of natures disaster stuff. The interesting thing is that yesterday morning, I work up 10 minutes before a storm came though. My mind started drifting off as it always does, wonder how nasty it will be. Well, the thought of tornadoes (which I LOVE) just sent me into a small panic attack which confused the heck out of me. Do i not like tornadoes anymore? Then when i was at work, something silly i was thinking about and bam, happened again for about 30 seconds. So bizarre. Perhaps it was the wierd dream where someone had psychic abilities like in Akira, caused a thrill-like nightmare beforehand.
I also went out to dinner with a group of friends during the evening yesterday. Had a good time as one was from out of town and was in the area for business. Unfortunately, it was costly for me as the only thing i could have on my new diet was steak.
Still have not set up an appointment with an endo yet. I'm gonna follow up again tomorrow with the dr office to see how things are going. I know i shouldn't be so pushy but its August now and i started therapy back in January. I guess i feel like i need to make up lost time... not trying to rush MY process, just want to get to someone who knows something!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday
Today was a very interesting day.
Work was work. Busy but nothing too much.
I did something very stupid and I will regret it for a very long time. See, I have been waiting to get to a place to guide me in my hormone process. Ideally, I would have liked to have found someone a while ago, but since i didn't, i took it upon myself until i do. As i was driving back to work, I finally got that call to someone who can help. I was driving AND writing down the information in a 6 lane street in the middle lane. I let the excitement get to me and was completely oblivious to the traffic around me. Lo and behold, a cop saw me and pulled me over. She gave me a good tongue lashing on how i should never be doing that. I told her she is absolutely right and what i did was completely stupid (because it was). Additionally, I had my insurance card end 2 days ago and I have not printed out a temporary card yet. Also, my license plate does not have the new sticker on it (also ended 2 days ago) and my perminent address is still back at my parents. The only reason i still have my drivers license today, is luck. She got a more important call than what she would have given me. This experience was very humbling and it is a lesson I will not forget. I let my emotions get the best of me and put me in a dangerous situation. I will make sure that will never happen again unless i'm parked.
As i just mentioned, i have an endocrinologist to go to if my doc doesn't find someone tomorrow. It is so soon i'll start having supervision and i'm so excited! I also am researching electrolysis places and have 3 picked out. I need to visit each one and see their pricing and their methods. It is both a happy and yet anxious day as the cost associated is just about to ratchet up.
Work was work. Busy but nothing too much.
I did something very stupid and I will regret it for a very long time. See, I have been waiting to get to a place to guide me in my hormone process. Ideally, I would have liked to have found someone a while ago, but since i didn't, i took it upon myself until i do. As i was driving back to work, I finally got that call to someone who can help. I was driving AND writing down the information in a 6 lane street in the middle lane. I let the excitement get to me and was completely oblivious to the traffic around me. Lo and behold, a cop saw me and pulled me over. She gave me a good tongue lashing on how i should never be doing that. I told her she is absolutely right and what i did was completely stupid (because it was). Additionally, I had my insurance card end 2 days ago and I have not printed out a temporary card yet. Also, my license plate does not have the new sticker on it (also ended 2 days ago) and my perminent address is still back at my parents. The only reason i still have my drivers license today, is luck. She got a more important call than what she would have given me. This experience was very humbling and it is a lesson I will not forget. I let my emotions get the best of me and put me in a dangerous situation. I will make sure that will never happen again unless i'm parked.
As i just mentioned, i have an endocrinologist to go to if my doc doesn't find someone tomorrow. It is so soon i'll start having supervision and i'm so excited! I also am researching electrolysis places and have 3 picked out. I need to visit each one and see their pricing and their methods. It is both a happy and yet anxious day as the cost associated is just about to ratchet up.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Sunday
Not much to really update with over the weekend.
Spent the day today with the family. They didn't talk about what i'm going through, but when i start seeing an endocrinologist, I will tell them. I feel they have to know i am serious about being happy, and I will do anything to achieve that.
Saturday I saw a friend of mine who recently had gastric bypass surgery. He is doing really well but cannot eat more than a handfull of food per meal. I spent the rest of the day with some of my old friends playing d&d and had fun. It is nice to not have to hide anything anymore... i am much more relaxed now.
Friday not much happened. Cleaning up my room, doing a rather deep cleaning, throwing out clothes i'll never wear anymore, mainly clothes that do not fit me (38" jeans for example :P)
Spent the day today with the family. They didn't talk about what i'm going through, but when i start seeing an endocrinologist, I will tell them. I feel they have to know i am serious about being happy, and I will do anything to achieve that.
Saturday I saw a friend of mine who recently had gastric bypass surgery. He is doing really well but cannot eat more than a handfull of food per meal. I spent the rest of the day with some of my old friends playing d&d and had fun. It is nice to not have to hide anything anymore... i am much more relaxed now.
Friday not much happened. Cleaning up my room, doing a rather deep cleaning, throwing out clothes i'll never wear anymore, mainly clothes that do not fit me (38" jeans for example :P)
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