Tuesday

Wow, has it already been almost a week since the last time I wrote? I need to stay focused and on track!

Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.

Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!

My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.

On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.

Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.

i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!

Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.

Tuesday

This morning i had an interesting dream. The dream was about trying to catch a plane to hawaii and how confusing the airport was which i ended up not making the plane. But in the dream, i was able to reschedule for another flight through the maze-like airport and was able to make it to hawaii. For some reason, my family and I got into a hotel room that was 3 stories tall before we found out it was the wrong room and then we were in a room the size of a tent, lol. Such bizarre dreams i'm having.

Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.

A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.

Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.

The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.

Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!

Thursday

The one thing you don't know when you have a dilemma in your life, is how strong your friendships are with people you befriended before you come out. Case and point was last night I sent people i felt comfortable with, links to my blog. A friend of mine I've known for 10 years now has taken his own time to research what I am going through. He knows of the issues i face both with friends, family and with work and sent me a link this morning to a video of another TS who has transitioned but her family still does not accept her.

Friendship can be something as simple as someone who doesn't understand what you are going through, but takes their own time to try to research and understand to help any way possible. I have to be grateful for having befriended someone like him as I was not expecting little things like that.

I had a dream last night, and after starting hormones my dreams have gotten more vivid, and i haven't dreamt as much as i have the last month in my entire life and it feels really awesome even though I've already had a nightmare, while the others have just been strange. The dream i had last night wasn't me as a girl, but it was me transitioning, the way i am now. For some reason I parked my car, went to a restaurant to eat, came back out with friends & family and my car was missing. We walked along the bank of a stream that was next to the building and my car was submerged in the stream just below the foot rests. I was able to safely start my car, and drive it out of the stream to my parents place as i am now. It almost felt like i thought of myself as Sonia but i can't be certain.

I think i understood what happened to me yesterday. I am starting to develop mood swings, which is something i haven't experienced before nor do i know how to control them yet. An example is this morning i was sad for no reason. After watching the video my friend sent me, i cried again... not from the material in the movie (but i was glad i did see it) but because of how much my friend must care for me. It wasn't a long cry, but 5 minutes or so and it actually felt really good just to let it out.

Tomorrow may be a big day. Hopefully my hormones arrive, I have my psychiatrist appointment and my PCP should get back to me on how my referral to a more specialized clinic is going.