Hmm... what to put... I WENT ON A DATE!!!
OMG it was awesome. He made me break my diet, which once in a while i can see that being fine. Just can't make a habit of it! Afterwards we went to Cabela's and he taught me a bit about guns and ammo, although i'm not much of a gun person i tried to learn as much as i could. Then we drove around a bit until we found a forest preserve to park in, went on a walk and started making out. Probably 20 minutes passed as the sun dipped below the trees and the sky darkened, the cops came by catching us in the act of making out. *giggles*
The heat died down a bit so we went back to the mall and walked around the parking lot a bit before we had to depart. Nothing fancy but I enjoyed myself!
Had a nice discussion earlier with a friend, just making sure this is the right choice for me, which with 100% of my confidence is. Don't get me wrong, i'm always thinking about it but always my conclusion is that this is what will make me happy.
It's late, and I have to work tomorrow, signing off for now.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday
Soreness is starting to dwindle a bit. Kinda glad i had this day off to recouperate. I could actually go up AND down stairs without looking like an old woman!
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
So, since it seems like during my transition, I have to do the research all on my own and I have to find out each step as there has been ZERO guidance for me. It really makes me distraught as it just makes me feel more and more isolated, almost like transgendered people are unheard of. Anyway, i followed up with my primary care and he will do some research for an endocrinologist that has had experience with MtF HRT.
Something interesting is happening though, not sure if it is the hormones or starting to actually becoming comfortable with myself. I really want to go out as a girl. The desire just seems to get stronger with time. Its both nerve wracking and exciting to think about my first time. In order to achieve this though, i need to start investing in makeup. I have so many acne scars and my facial hair is the WORST color, i just hope i don't look foolish... well the first time i will, but like my voice, the more i practice the better i'll get.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday
Wow, has it already been almost a week since the last time I wrote? I need to stay focused and on track!
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Thursday, I ended up meeting a nutricianist/trainer and let her know some of the issues i have with my body. So, I started a new diet and workout regimen. I am only supposed to eat meat, eggs, veggies and nuts. I started the diet on Saturday, and I was told I wasn't eating enough fat (which makes me a tad nervous) and that i have to add bacon to my breakfast and fish oil to both breakfast and dinner.
Thursday, in general, was pretty shitty. I was supposed to have a dinner with a friend and last minute he said he couldn't make it. I still went anyway and just drank and eat fried food. This ended up having a working waitress sit with me, which helped me out a lot. She got me into a different mindset and we exchanged numbers to continue to stay in touch. It could be my first girl friend while i transition! yay!
My workouts have changed as well. I am going to be doing tabata squats 4 times a week to help shape my butt and thighs. I know from them, my entire upper legs, including my butt is soo sore! Even sitting down doesn't help caues my butt hurts, lol.
On saturday, I went to ren faire and on my way up, i started thinking if i catch my friends by themselves, i'll tell them i'm a transsexual. So, ended up, that did happen and they knew i was hiding something, since i was always quiet about my personal life. One seemed genuinely happy and wants to meet Sonia, the other seemed glad but was kinda uncomfortable. I think if i seem to be more peronable than i used to be, they will come to like who i will become.
Still working on my voice. It seems like it is getting more "real" but I still think it sounds like a guy trying to sound as a girl. I'm glad i have a lot of time to work on it, and that i started so soon.
i still don't see much physical change of my body other than my breasts. My about 1/4 skin around the aorela seems to be expanding past my chest in a conical shape. That is pretty cool to see, and can't wait to see what i'll be like with actual breasts!
Friday, i went to my psychiatrist and i went up again to the maximum dosage of my anti-depressants. At first, i was very wishy-washy if i liked what the meds were doing to me. Now i am sort of happy for them because they let me focus on things other than extremely negative thoughts.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday
Do things happen for a reason?
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
That is the question i am asking myself right now. I have been introduced to a new group of people via a friend in England (which i just so happened to have met in Second Life), i hope to call friends. Through them, another person i got in contact with, who says they can help me get rid of my tummy. This has been one of my life long goals, and i really hope it can happen. I will do anything that needs to be done (short of harming myself, of course).
I called my doctor about my referral to the specialized clinic and the secretary answered and could only tell me that she is unable to give me any information as she does not want to give me the wrong information. Tomorrow, my doctor should be getting in touch with me, and hopefully i'll finally find out. If it doesn't go through, I honestly don't know what i will do.
Lastly, a friend of mine's brother died this week. A drunk driver swerved into his lane, cutting him off and causing the accident. I have to think how often i've driven after having drinks and it is a scary thought wondering if you can judge yourself well enough that you can drive safe. I know I will be considering this much more in depth before thinking about driving home.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday
This morning i had an interesting dream. The dream was about trying to catch a plane to hawaii and how confusing the airport was which i ended up not making the plane. But in the dream, i was able to reschedule for another flight through the maze-like airport and was able to make it to hawaii. For some reason, my family and I got into a hotel room that was 3 stories tall before we found out it was the wrong room and then we were in a room the size of a tent, lol. Such bizarre dreams i'm having.
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Got an interesting message today from someone i have no ill feelings towards. I don't like making enemies, but sometimes people take things the wrong way even though I try my best not too.
A friend of mine finally got her name changed. I'm so happy for her! I don't know yet what my last name will be but i have a LOT of time to consider it.
Work was ok, a bit busy but that is always a good thing. Installed a UPS unit (without splitting my finger open. A story for another time) and kinda fucked up permissions with outlook, that took me 45 mins to figure out. Ahh well, such is life.
The epilator i bought said it can be used for arm pits, so i tried it on my left one. Probably not the most painful thing i've ever felt, but it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope it is worth the pain as i hate arm hair just as much as my facial hair.
Had another conversation with an old friend of mine. It was a little interesting that it didn't suprise him when i told him i was getting therapy and being able to have fake emotions. At least i wasn't the only one!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday
Had a strange dream. It's the first time i've had a reoccuring dream. My dream is that i never get to the appropriate high school class ontime, and i seem to go to the wrong classroom first. Each time i've had the dream (this is the 2nd or 3rd time) it is always a different class i enter first before trying to find the appropriate class room. It's bizzare but it just makes me get all stressed out until i wake up.
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Besides that, did my normal 400 calorie workout and my work Monday was fairly easy (which just means i'll make up for it on a friday).
I did get a little suprise when i got home. Last week i talked about the video's a friend of mine linked. I messaged the girl and she got back to me today and wrote an entire essay of support. It made me so happy to get in touch with someone who is willing to offer support due to having similar family issues. I would have to ask her if i can link her youtube channel first, but for now it was just nice to know others around my age are available.
That's it for today!
Weekend
Weekend turned out to be much more interesting than I could have predicted. I started doing my good deed for the month by helping out some friends paint their new home interior. My summer job for 3 years was painting walls at my old high school, I couldn't believe I actually missed painting (or maybe it was the paint fumes...)
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
It was nice to talk to his wife, with a little girl talk. I showed her my toenails and she complimented the color I chose :) Additionally, she showed me hers which was a pretty metallic blue. I think for now I am happy with the color I have so I will be using it for a while.
After finishing up and having dinner, we went to see Inception. OMG that movie was fantastic! The suspense they put you through wasn't too much... but just right.
Later that night, I used my epilator on my other arm (so far i am glad i got it. If you can stand the pain, i recommend getting one as i don't like shaving large areas). I started getting ready for bed, when i finished, and i got a message to go to a party. Obviously, you can't decline a party invite! I ended up going, for which i am glad. I... ummm... I let my gaurd down at the party (a few people know what i am going through, and my painted toenails should have hinted at it a little bit) and let myself get kissed by a guy. It was... heee... it was nice being treated like a girl and i may not have experienced it that night if i didn't go. Mmm, i slept really well that night.
Sunday i woke up pretty late but decided to make something. I always wanted a named keychain so decided to go to the store and pick up some beads to make my own, something inconspicuous for work purposes. I was hoping to find a bunny, but no bunny beads were to be found *pouts*. It still came out nice, a multicolored keychain with glittery beads spelling Sonia Bunny (cause i like bunnies!)
One of my old high school friends came up in the area Sunday. It was nice to see her as it has been ages (well many years) since i last saw her. She knows what i'm going through and it was just nice to talk to someone you can trust that has an unbiased opinion.
I tried practicing my voice some more too, not going very well. I don't have any experience trying to achieve a head voice which may be the most difficult part for me. Someday though!
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