I guess I started trying to post my thoughts but it is very difficult for me to write how I feel. I started a blog a few months ago and didn't keep up with it, when I did not decide a name for myself. You can read it at tgnoname.blogspot.com.
A lot has happened since then yet it doesn't feel like a lot. I don't feel comfortable with myself yet even though I’ve noticed a few changes with myself. I feel better than I ever have in the past but I still have a long ways to go before I can truly feel like myself.
Since this is a journal, everything I write will not be proofread, just spell checked as to not interfere with my thoughts.
I am MtF transgender. A lot of people say it happens when they are young... they just know they are girls. Growing up, I often prayed at night that I would awake as a girl or as a female animal... usually cheetahs as I like how fast and graceful they are. I either had female friends or no friends as I grew up because I found it difficult to associate with other guys. I always remember when girls used to ask me out, why they want to do so when I just wanted to be their friends. Of course, the male thing to do was to accept, but I wasn't comfortable in that role. As I went to college the confusion continued, and I tried being male... tried my hardest actually but I couldn't deny my femininity. It was like, the harder I tried at being male, the stronger desire I had to dress pretty. I even went so far as to throw away all my female items and banish it from my mind which just caused more issues as I tried to appease my family by trying to stay religious even though I never believed any of the stories in the bible.
I cried a lot, and when I was able to move out from my family I started dressing pretty again but not as much as I wanted. I was confused not knowing what I was. As time went on, I talked to other people, some crossdressers, some transvestites and some transsexuals and the transsexuals seemed to understand me more than the other groups. That made me cry even more as I thought so much on that, what path would this lead to, what challenges lay ahead and what would it do to my family that I love so much.
This was 5 years ago, and I dismissed it again. this lead to a slow decline in my happiness. I didn't see it coming but until about a 2 years ago, I was starting to think how I wasted so much time in my life not being happy. Why was I not happy? I had a career, friends, family, I was out living but I had no partner. Was that the reason I was unhappy or was it more... did I not have a partner because I was never happy with myself? Questions upon questions and I didn't have an answer... well I did, but I didn't want to admit it even though it stayed in my thoughts. I made myself be happy when I was supposed to be happy, sad when I was supposed to be sad... etc but it didn't feel real.
My thoughts about a year ago started turning even worse. I rationalized that if I took my own life, it would be easier than having my parents deal with all the issues that will arise with my extended family if I transitioned to being a woman. I knew I was ready to change, but I've never told a soul face to face... just random online strangers and I knew it was going to shock a lot of people. "Perhaps it would just be easier to die than to transition" was the thought I had to make it easier on everyone else.
Eventually, I decided to see if I was truly meant to be a woman, so I went and purchased hormones back in November 2009. I took them orally for 2 months and the emotional change was beautiful... I felt like the world made sense. I could interpret conversations better and could verbalize how I was feeling to others easily, something I had always struggled with. Before I was on those hormones, I always cared about others instead of myself... as in that was the first thing that was always there when I interacted with someone. Now, I could think about what was best for me first and then everyone else second.
I was happy, scared and tried to be confused but knowing what this meant. That’s when the suicide thoughts came a little more frequently and I decided to seek out a therapist in January 2010. We got to a point in May where the help I needed had to be someone more specialized than her. This was at the lowest point in my life.
A week or two before this, I came out to my parents that I am transgendered and I need to live my life as a woman. (I don't necessarily classify myself yet as a transsexual as I’m not integrated into society as a female yet.) I believe I posted in my previous blog (link at the top of the post) that I started drinking heavily. I was drinking 5-7 drinks a night to rid myself of the problems. This is when I knew I had to take things into my own hands until I could get the specialized care I needed before I took my own life. So I started back up on real hormones (the others were herbal) which I have now been steadily taking for 4 weeks now.
This is my story.
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